I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
