i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
