stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Come share oat with me in your robe
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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