Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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