So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So many bounce houses so little time
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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