she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
