how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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