My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
