JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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