i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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