i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
