have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize