Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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