There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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