Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
