i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
