I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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