I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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