I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
