your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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