forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
