Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
