The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
