PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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