Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
