How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
