I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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