It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you inspire me to be a worse person
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
