So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
