Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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