dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
