I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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