You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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