Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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