It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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