When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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