your room smells of hookers.
And success
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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