found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
