From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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