I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
