I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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