She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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