she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I believe in your delicious
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize