i will never coherently bang her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
