Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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