You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
