My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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