I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
