apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
