PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
