I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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