He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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Randomize
