I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize