Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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