I didn't shave. On purpose
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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