OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
