I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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