Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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