you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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