You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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