I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im holly from the hills drunk
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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