She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
