wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize