I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
