can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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