I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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