it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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