One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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