the condom got lost in my hair
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize