I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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