Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize